It’s 5:47 PM and it’s the first Thursday in June. Parts of me are still covered in sand. Todd and I went camping at Tunitas Creek Beach for a night. My hair still smells like a campfire. I’ve been thinking a lot about writing and what it means to me, and if I still want to do it (as a career, a hobby, a way to pass time). I’ve spent a whole lot of my childhood and adolescence writing poetry, fiction and non-fiction, keeping up all sorts of different blogs. Since I left college in May of 2013, my life had been in a constant state of upheaval: from the destruction of my childhood dream to teach English in Japan, to moving to Melbourne instead, the end of my first serious relationship and my reflections on relationships following, the many friends and lovers I have accrued (and lost) between turning twenty-three and now, nearly twenty-four, the shadow of my staggering student debt, and most discerningly, the rapidly building uncertainty of the answer to this question: What should I be doing now?
The reason I have not blogged for months, is simply because I did not put any time into writing, or blogging.
What did I put my time into, then? Well, first it was work at the cafe. Five out of seven days of grueling service work, and on top of that, entering my current non-monogamous relationship with Todd. Managing and delegating time is not my forte. But it is safe to say that what we have going between us is pretty solid, and it is because I took the time to nurture this budding relationship.
But let’s go back to the dilemma of the decade:
WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I BE DOING NOW?
I’ve got that infamous “University Degree” with years of experience in the most eclectic fields. But let’s be real, it doesn’t mean shit for me. So what have I been focusing on lately?
I’ve been practicing my bass guitar. Yup. The band geek in me wanted to teach myself the Circle of Fifths on the bass, just so I could know all the scales and notes. I’m not very good at playing yet, but i’m getting more and more familiar with fingerings and the shape of its body. One day I’m gonna join an all-girls punk band, or maybe an all-girls funk band, and jive out on the bass. One day.
I’ve also been focusing on my diet & health. Todd and I joined a gym called Bladium (which has a kinda-cool, kinda-lame name) but through it, I’ve tried Zumba, yoga, pilates classes, and have access to a magnificent climbing wall, all sorts of sports leagues, a bar/cafe, a whole range of machines, a boxing ring, and even a sauna and steam room. And it’s never crowded! We have been going pretty consistently; probably six days a week, which is crazy new to me. Hopefully I can make this routine for the rest of my life! *Crosses fingers nervously*
In terms of diet, Todd’s paleo-esque influence on what I eat has been extremely helpful in my slow transformation. I’m learning to avoid certain inflammatory foods that can trigger my asthma and eczema (such as gluten-products, wheat, bread, cheese and all other dairy products) and eat more of the good stuff! All sorts of veggies, giant salads with fruit, seeds, plantains, “tubers” (as Todd likes to call them) which are various root vegetables like sweet potatoes and yucca, and good, high-quality meats that we usually get from Whole Foods. I’m OBSESSED with Almond Milk, which helped me get over cow’s milk. I’ve stopped eating rice, which is new and strange to me because I was raised in a Filipino household, but I’m quickly realizing that rice (and pasta) is just a filler, and I can have more of the good stuff without compromising a healthy, diabetic-free future for myself.
Okay. I think this is a good enough update for now. There’s still a lot I want to write about: my experience as an East Coaster on the West Coast, the type of emerging culture here in the Bay that is quickly shape-shifting and clashing with what was, parenting and education styles, what it’s like to be non-monogamous and the important conversations on sexuality and relationships, or even just all the new foods and recipes I’ve been cooking up! I’ll save it for next time.
Hi everyone! Here I am! And it’s a real chunky post! Yay chunky posts! I owe you all an update, and THIS IS IT.
Woah, can you believe it’s already the end of January?! My sister turns the big 21 in four days. Woo! I’m sorry I can’t make it back home for that, Joan. But I swear I’ll treat you out to a sister trip out here in the Bay Area this year! My treat. 🙂
So, I’m alive and kicking. Rather, I’m sitting. At the coolest reception desk I’ve ever worked. I am currently temping forKabam Inc, an incredible gaming/tech company based out here. They have offices all over the world. Everyone is friendly, supportive, and eager to meet me! Despite the fact that I’m only here for a week and a half, it seems that the employees are interested in my story and why I’m here.
I also want to proudly say that I received my very first paycheck since I’ve moved out to the Bay Area! I picked it up this morning! YES! I think when you are making lots of money, or if you have a lot of it, it kind of becomes strangely unimportant in the sense that you take it for granted; it’s there, your bills are paid, your fridge is full, you can wake up hung-over a couple days a week. And the money keeps this cycle going.
When you don’t have money, when you’re hungry, when you have to sneak onto buses without touching on or when the gasoline button lights up in your car and you don’t have enough cash, money can seem like the most important, necessary thing in the world.
But it isn’t.
Because I did not have enough money to immediately rent a place when I moved out here, I had to couchsurf with friends. I slept on floors and random beds and all sorts of couches. I lived out of my Gregory pack, and my clothes saw a different washing machine every week or so. I’ve spent the past month and a half scouring Craigslist for employment opportunities, writing and rewriting my resumes, cover letters, and frequently interviewing with job agencies and employers. I had no job, no place to call home, no privacy. Sounds shitty, right?
Nah. It was awesome. Why? Because of all the kick-ass stories I have! Seriously! I’ve met so many people just because I was couchsurfing with friends. I lived in a beautiful condo in the heart of the Sunset District of San Francisco. Then in the quiet, lovely suburbs of Berkeley, where I got my first taste of the East Bay. Then, in a queer house in Oakland, where I got to meet such strong and influential women. Right now I’m living in the Tenderloin district in San Francisco with my friend Dan from Rutgers. It’s been so chill.
But let’s be real. Some of it was really shitty. Unbelievably shitty.
Like that time I caught that cold that everyone else had. I remember waking up on Kurt’s floor, shivering, my nose leaking, me wrapped up in my fleece blanket curled up like a cocoon in a sleeping bag feeling like I wanted to die over and over and over. For the first time since I had left Washington, I felt home-sick and I all wanted was to be home with , my cat, and my parents and sister and eat endless bowls of nilaga in bed. This was three weeks ago.
This is Mu. He is my only love.
Or what about that time I had to wait in the loveliest waiting room in order to pick up my ‘Calfresh’ card so I could feed myself for the week. Goood times. Note: Homeless people don’t bathe.
But I think we can agree, the most frustrating part about moving to a new place barebones is having to dress up for interviews, again and again, AND again, doing your best to impress recruiters by attempting to be the best ever candidate in the world. God. Spare me. PLEASE.
SO WHY DON’T WE REVIEW THE GOOD STUFF THEN!
I am employed. Yup. I am freakin’ employed, betches!!! Not to say it’s my dream job, but it’s my back up plan. I work at this beautiful, newly opened establishment called the Old Brooklyn Cafe & Bakery. But I’m not stopping there. I’m also in the process of interviewing with Edmodoand The Public Policy Institute of California.My recruiter also just sent my resume out to Earnest, a cute start-up.
AAANNNNDDD…
I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE! I don’t know if you know this, but finding housing in the Bay Area is a pain in the BUTT. Apparently the average time it takes for someone to find housing here is a few months, minimum. And what’s worse, is that rent here in the Bay Area has gone up 4 to 5 times more in the past few years. Did you know that the average cost of rent in the city of San Francisco is just over $2,200.00?!? According to RealFacts, “…Renters can easily pay upwards of 70 percent of their income on housing — even with a roommate.” INSANITY.
Guess how much my rent is out in Oakland? C’mon. Just one guess.
$400.00. Yup. Four hundo. My own room and all, in a laid-back and open-minded co-op. We have a monthly communal food fund of $100, and then just a little bit extra for utilities. The room itself is just a sublet, but it will give me some stability for three months to find an even better place. I’ll have my very own room. WOW did I take that for granted!
So why don’t we recall that I started down at the very bottom. When I left Walla Walla, I was discouraged, broken-hearted, weak and terrified. I hadn’t been employed since July. My car broke down in Portland, and I didn’t even think I would make it to San Francisco. But I did. I made it. Hell. Yeah.
So enough about my victories. Let me share with you some of the adventures I’ve been on since I got to the Bay Area! YAY!!!
Let’s see:
There was Santa Cruz and Wilder State Park. Watching a school of dolphins cruise through sunset waves, watching the ocean carve its way through the rust-colored cliffs, the sun, an egg yolk, dripping into the horizon. Oh yeah, all of that on mushrooms.
And then New Year’s Eve at The Warfield! The Flaming Lips, Phantogram and Foxygen. The entire crowd was one big family. I had never rung in the new year at a concert before– what a mind-blowing, psychedelic and truly magical experience.
The amazing view from the top of a high-riser apartment building near Civic Square after a Latka Party.
A poetry event geared towards racial tension in America held at a pop-up anarchist bookshop called Rise Above Graphics.Not one reader was the same race, and there were both male and female readers, each with a beautiful, strong-willed and powerful perspectives. I also met another Claire that night– she invited me to submit to her literary zine: Oatmeal Magazine. Yay words!
Seeing an old friend from my high school marching band, Ben Ruben-Shnirman and his band, REBOP! Ben KILLED it on the bass with his band REBOP! at The Mysterious Rack. Isn’t it fun catching up with old friends? You get to talk about how far you’ve come!
Then there was that fantastic evening at the Oakland Omni Commons. I met a whole bunch of amazing, innovative, friendly artists, musicians and inventors who were eager to connect with one another and collaborate on project ideas and plans for the new space. They held their first potluck dinner of the year, and I had brought homemade coconut cashew rice, with bay leaves and crushed almonds topped with lentils! It was an amazing feast, and everyone left happy and full.
Then there was that one magical day I had with a lovely German CouchSurfer (who I wish had been my neighbor). We made brunch together, drank delicious, well-made coffee from Blue Bottle Coffee(a clean, quaint modern-looking establishment where you can attend coffee cuppings on Sundays at 2PM! We soaked in the sun at Jack London Square all afternoon, got a crash course lesson on Guatemalan coffee, shared delicious craft beers and the best grilled cheese sandwich ever, and ended the night with cuddles.
Last night, I ended up at a swing dancing competition! I don’t know how to swing danceyet, but maybe I’ll take a class! My new friend Andres invited me to come see him compete. I was totally impressed.
And finally (right?!) the view from my “office.” I’m currently working the reception desk at Kabam Inc. with the nerdiest, smartest people in the gaming industry today. Look at it: beautiful, sunny San Francisco. I’m temping for this company for the next week. We get lunches catered from restaurants, beer on tap, all you can eat snacks and beverages, a pretzel machine AND EVEN COOL KEY CARDS that beep and let you in through doors! Awesome!
Folks, I’ve kept you long enough. I’m probably going to get drunk tonight because I got my first paycheck. Just kidding. I actually deposited that money into the bank account I opened today and can’t touch it until Monday! Woo!
Thank you for your support. Thank you for your patience. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for reading my thoughts.
I wake up in San Francisco. The chaotic rush of cars down 19th Avenue stir me each morning. The mellow sunlight peels my eyelids open. I stretch my legs across the brown cushions. Then, I remember where I am: sprawled on a friend’s couch in the Sunset District in the city of San Francisco. I am homeless, unemployed, and in debt. Yet, I somehow still feel an overwhelming sense of liberation in contrast to where I used to be: stifled and withering in a small town nestled in the dead center of Nowhere, Washington; 10.8 square miles of scrawny vineyards, the snow-covered vines whispering to each other, ‘sleep now.’ I burned a bridge in that town. I wonder if it still smoulders.
Today, I woke up in San Francisco. There are mountains just there, in the distance. And the Pacific Ocean, a tram’s ride away. My heart is intact and I am alive, breathing.
I am unbroken.
I am full of potential.
Every day, I wake up in San Francisco: the sunlight dancing about the living room, bright like eager smiles, or eyes in-love. I think about how far I’ve come. Where will I go from here? Who will I be? No, none of that. I am here, and I am me.
Heart At Bay 
